There is a real social problem that no-one seems to want to talk about. Male loneliness.
Typical reactions to this topic generally follow the “boo-hoo cry harder” pattern, like, “geez men with all your privilege and advantages, you brought this on your selves”. Straight-up gender-empathy-gap.
My own research into why military cultures find it so hard to seek support for mental health issues has been enlightening for me around this issue. And also the fact that I have always found it hard to accept any kind of support, to the point of being fiercely, and aggressively, independent. I rode a motorbike around South America for a year by myself to kind of prove that point I guess. And I spent days sobbing inside my helmet in the middle of absolutely nowhere amazon-rainforest because I was so desperately lonely. Even then, I still couldn’t have described to you why I was the way I was.
Basically, for me the answer to why we find it so hard to connect-to and cultivate the kinds of relationships we so desperately desire is two-fold. One, men - raise your hand if you ever had that role-modelled to you? Did you ever have your Dad or your manager, or your sports coach say to another male something even remotely close to “I love our chats I’m so glad you’re in my life”? Not me. I saw lots of banter, joking around, general piss-taking. All standard social communication amongst men that signals friendliness and non-threat but NO ACTUAL INTIMACY. Just because I can back-and-forth-verbal-volley with you does not make it automatically safe for me to be vulnerable with you.
Second. Am I the only one that came to adulthood having accumulated a slew of experiences that shamed me into a particular kind of emotional range? Not explicitly “big boys don’t cry”, but pretty obvious that there are ways of behaving that are cool (stoic, disciplined, organised) and ways that are pretty uncool (expressing distress, being uncertain, not having a plan). Gradually without even realising it many people from masculine cultures can find themselves cut-off from their own emotions. Not consciously, that would be self-harm. But unconsciously. Subtly. Like, where did my joy for life go? Why am I so frustrated all the time? Why don’t I have any close friends?
I reject easy prescription of solutions. I think a lot of advice like “just reach out” has the unfortunate implicit message snuck into it that if you find it too difficult to “open up” then there must be something wrong with you. Nope. It IS hard for lots of us who never had good role-models and who were shamed out of particular types of behaviours. Learning new ways of connecting will be like starting going to the gym for the first time; awkward, hard, and a bit of a slog. Just like getting fitter and stronger, learning new ways of relating to others will take practice. Like physical training, sometimes it can be good to get a coach (like a psychologist in this case maybe, or a mentor).
Don’t give yourself more of a hard time around this. But recognise it for what it is. Learning new skills can feel a bit clunky at first. Personally, I’ve committed to reaching out more to people who I can be brave with. And when I am catching up with mates I’m making more of an effort to be real, instead of defaulting to banter-ish ways to hide.
Here’s to more real talk, and to less loneliness as a result.
cjG
